He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
