Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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