thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
