Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
