I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
