god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
