They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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