It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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