dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
That's how pantless uber rides happen
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
