I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
