I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
