U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
