I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Randomize
