i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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