I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
