Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just google imaged poop.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
