I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
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Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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