ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
