i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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