I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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