I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Even my vagina gasped.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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