Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize