Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
