There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
