where am i from again
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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