Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
