My liver just broke up with me...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
