We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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