I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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