I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
