I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
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i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
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The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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