She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
