yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
