My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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