i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
