just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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