I faked an abortion last night.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
