I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
