grandma shit on top of the toilet
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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