Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
