Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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