I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
