You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
