Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
