I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
