come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
