Christians are straight up FREAKS
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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