im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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