Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
