Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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