There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
