was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It was a blind-side dick pic.
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