Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
