An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
