My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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