I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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