Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
